Seasons.

I've wanted to write about "seasons" since the first of the year, but something kept telling me to wait.  Now I know why, and you'll know why too, as you continue to read.  I'm not talking about the seasons of the year as in Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall ... but more so, the seasons of life. 

There's an old song by The Byrds that goes, "To everything (turn, turn, turn), There is a season (turn, turn, turn), And a time for every purpose under Heaven..."  You'll now have that song stuck in your head for the rest of the afternoon - no joke.  And for those of you who don't realize it, the lyrics to that song are actually straight from the pages of the Bible.  In the book of Ecclesiastes it reads, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." Ecc 3:1.  It's one of my favorite verses.  When I graduated from high school, I wrote and delivered a speech based on Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.  I wish I could find that speech.  Hmmm ....

Life is full of seasons - career moves, trends, romantic relationships, friendships, hobbies, living arrangements - it's all seasonal.  Some seasons are good, and some are bad.  Some are ugly, some beautiful.  There are some we want to remember forever, and others of which we'd chose to wipe our memories clean given the chance.  Each of us is going through a season right now.  With the new year still fresh in our minds, many of us choose to reflect on life ... the seasons it brings ... the season of which we find ourselves now ... and what the next season has in store for us. 

Last week was rough for me - Thursday in particular.  It started like any other Thursday, but before it was over I had a complete meltdown in front of my supervisor.  She could tell I hadn't been myself since Christmas vacation had been over.  She asked what was going on, and I completely burst into tears.  Bless her heart - I don't think she was expecting that.  Being the woman she is, she gave me words of encouragement, and was as understanding as she always is. 

What was with my explosion of emotion?  It's all about how hard I find it to be in one place, when my heart is somewhere else.  To have had to get up every morning for the past two years, and leave the love of my life at home or with a nanny.   To sit in an office for eight hours, while someone else cares for the child that I carried in my womb for nine months, and who I spent twenty six hours in labor with, and who I love more than life itself.  And I pray, and I pray, and I pray ... to the point where I think my prayers almost sound like begging.  God must seriously get sick of me.  But there you have it - that's where my meltdown came from.  My heart is yearning to be home, but I guess it's not time yet.  It's been weighing so heavily on me lately, and I finally just broke down.

That night, I told Mr. M what had happened.  He reminded me I will be home eventually - maybe sooner than I think - but God has me where He wants me right now.  I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  I reluctantly agreed, because I knew he was right. 

Fast forward to Sunday.  In Learning to Trust, I spoke briefly on the series our pastor is doing about trusting.  The series continues, and this past week as the pastor delivered his message, God spoke through him and directly to me.  He said,

"You can look at who you are and get a sense of who God has called you to be .... God knew what He was doing.  God knows what He's made us for.  Sometimes you'll look at the seasons in your life.  Ya know, God may put a dream in your heart, and then say, 'Not now.' ... And so sometimes, God's season for you may be later on down the line.  You can tell God's will for your life sometimes by just looking at the season of life you're in." 

When I heard those words, I was like "Alright, Lord - thank you.  Thank you."  It never ceases to amaze me how the Lord speaks so clearly when we need it the most.  

I'm hoping my stay-at-home-mom season is right around the corner...I know it's where I'm supposed to be.  Until then, I will face my current season with courage and commitment, and trust that the right doors will open at the right time.  Having faith in God is having faith in His timing too.  

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:  a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, 

a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Resolutions.

In my first post of this year, I mentioned new year resolutions in passing.  I said I'd come back to them, and here I am.  Obviously, I've dropped the ball on that whole stop procrastinating thing.  Oh well. 

I try to avoid harping on resolutions and goals for the upcoming year - if they happen, they happen.  If not, there is always next year, right?  Wrong attitude to have, I know.  But in my defense, I've found, that once you announce to the world that you are striving toward a particular goal, you've pretty much death-sentenced yourself.  Everyone is watching with bated breath, waiting for you to fail only so that you can start over again six-months later.  It tends to be human nature to set huge, unaccomplishable (no, I don't think that's a real word either) goals for ourselves.  Although I do believe that any goal can be achieved with dedication and hard work, most times we expect to reach success in a very short time frame -- and that's how we usually get ourselves into trouble.  Even if we're on the path to success, once we have failed to meet our time frame and our resources run dry we tend to dive into the pool of discouragement, which ultimately leaves us to drown in self-defeat.  A vicious cycle.

That being said, I decided to look at my resolutions as improvements in my overall well-being for the year -- spiritually, financially, emotionally and physically. 

Spiritually.  I'd like to be more adamant about doing a devotional every day - quiet time set aside to really chew on and digest the Scriptures like I should.  It's shameful for me to admit that I'm thirty years old and have yet to read the Bible cover-to-cover.  Granted, I have probably read about eighty percent of it, but never straight through from front to back.   I have the desire, but lack the dedication.  I'm a jerk.  Also, having a more serious prayer time would be great, as opposed to my twenty minutes of rambling to God about my problems during my drive to work every morning. 

Financially.  Coupons and budgeting are going to be my new best friends.  I've always done budgeting, but once again it's dedication that we lack.  I say we, because while I solely hold the family accountant responsibilities, it's up to both Mr. M and I to stick to the budget that's put into place.  Coupons are also a great way to improve your financial situation.  I caught a marathon of TLC's Extreme Couponing over my Christmas break, and it was pretty amazing.  I doubt, I'll ever pay $4.84 for over $857 worth of groceries, but if I can save a few bucks here and there, it's worth it. 

Emotionally.  I used to journal a lot.  I have journal entries that date back to when Mr. M and I were still dating.  It's always so funny to rewind five years and see what was going on in life.  Because I've dealt with anxiety off and on since I was nineteen, it's important to me to have an emotional release of some sort.  In the past, the piano has been an incredible help, along with gardening, sewing ... pretty  much anything that will distract my mind.  Having a good cry helps, but if it's a rough day at work, I can't sit at my office with a box of kleenex while I work through reports.  Not very effective.

Physically.  I think every woman vows to lose x-amount of pounds, every January of every year without fail.  I did Weight Watchers a few years back.  It works for me when I'm dedicated.  Geez, it's sounding like I should be writing a post about dedication rather than resolutions - dedication is obviously my problem, or lack thereof.  Good grief!  This past year, I managed to lose about twenty pounds, plateaued, gained back half of it, but still rang in the New Year ten pounds lighter than last year.  So, I'll take it. 

Overall, I don't think my improvement list is too unrealistic.  With a little help from the hubs, a lot of dedication, and a lot more prayer, I believe 2012 will be a good year. 

Please feel free to share with me some of your goals for the new year. 

I Love You Through and Through.

Two years ago today, after twenty six grueling hours of labor, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  She weighed 7lb, 2oz and had a full head of jet black hair.  She was, and still is, the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on.  G has forever changed the way I see the world.  Happy Birthday, sugar pop.  I love you! 

Miss G - just a day old. 

I Love You Through and Through

by Bernadette Rossetti Shustak

I love you through and through.

I love your top side.

I love your bottom side.

I love your inside,

And outside.

I love your happy side...

Your sad side,

Your silly side,

Your mad side.

I love your fingers, and toes.

Your ears, and nose.

I love your hair, and eyes.

Your giggles, and cries.

I love you running,

And walking.

Silent, and talking.

I love you through and through,

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow too.

Miss G and one of her ever-entertaining expressions.

Learning to Trust.

"Trust me!"

We hear that phrase a lot - on the television, from politicians, even from friends and family.  Sometimes it's in regard to trivial things like trying new foods, "Dude, trust me - you're gonna love it!"  Or perhaps when recommending a movie that we've just watched and loved, "It's the best movie ever!!  Trust me!"  And then sometimes it's a more serious situation when a loved one is asking you to trust them in a huge decision making process, or they could be encouraging you, during a hardship, to trust and believe that everything is going to be okay.  Regardless of the situation, trust is a big deal. 

This past Sunday, our pastor did a sermon all about trust.  The verse he lead his message with was Proverbs 3:5-6.  It's a verse that follows me, and I've found comfort in time after time.  This past Sunday was no different. 

Post-holidays, I had a case of the blues.  I get them every year.  This year has seemingly been worse, and I'm not sure why.  As I sat there in the sanctuary and listened to the pastor's words, I felt encouraged.  I left church that Sunday on a high to embark on the rest of the week.  That high was quickly deflated as the reality of heading back to work and leaving my baby girl alone hit me in the face on Tuesday morning.  I kept hearing that verse in my head though, and was trying to have a good attitude despite my frustration and inner self-pity.  Wednesday would be better - it has to be better.  Wrong.  Wednesday was the worst.  Fighting back tears and feeling ridiculously depressed was how I spent the hours of 8:00 to 4:30.  The afternoon dragged along.  When the whistle finally blew, I was out of there.

The evening turned out to be not so bad.  I got news of something that I had been hoping for - news that I will share with you at a later date.  I had dinner ready when Mr. M got home from work, and Miss G was in a pleasant and playful mood.  It was a sour day gone sweet.  When I finally crawled into bed, the disappointments of the day were still in the back of my mind.  I knew that if I let them, they could very easily send me into another stressful tizzy of worry.   So, I shut them out, and fell asleep.

Six AM, and my alarm sounds.  Ugh!  Another day away from child is all I could think.  I could feel the stress, discouragement, depression welling up inside.  I turned on the Weather Channel - thirty degrees.  What am I gonna wear?  I grabbed my cell phone and headed into the bathroom.  I'm flipping through the one hundred plus messages in my inbox, looking for it.  Ah-ha!   I found it ... my daily Bible verse that I start every morning with.  I couldn't believe it, it was that verse again.   Proverbs 3:5-6.  "Alright, God...I get it.  I get it." 

It's amazing to me how many times in my life, I've so willingly trusted another human being yet I lay in bed at night worrying over things that I just can't give to the Lord.  Why?  I don't know.  But it's definitely my biggest flaw.  Trust is learned.  I've become very aware of that in the last two years as I watch G grow.  She has had to learn to trust me and Mr. M as her parents.  Pediatricians and child-rearing books are adamant about practicing trust-building exercises with young children.  We did many of these with G, and continue to do them.  Some are of the physical and others emotional.  Either way, they build trust and strength amongst the three of us.  When she was learning to walk, she knew we weren't going to let her fall.  And if she stumbled, she knows we'd catch her.  If she falls down, we help her up. 

Every time we get in the car, G takes off her shoes - it's a given.  When we arrive to our destination, we unbuckle her, grab her shoes, and then place G on the roof of the car to put them back on her feet.  We never leave her unattended, or take a hand off of her.  Just the other day, Mr. M sat G on the roof as he put on her shoes.  He stood directly in front of her, his hand on her the entire time.  "Don't fall!  Don't fall!" she repeated as she often does when she gets nervous sitting or standing in a higher-than-normal place.  "You're not gonna fall, I gotcha.  Trust me!" he said. 

Although, I've seen this occurrence take place time and time again, something clicked this time.  How often do we find ourselves on a roof top, no shoes, pleading, "Don't fall!  Don't fall!", only to find that our Father has His hand on us the entire time?  We might panic, we might cry, we might throw a fit.  But if we take time to listen, we'll hear Him say, "You're not gonna fall, I gotcha.  Trust me!" 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

From the Pit to the Palace.

Another year, another month, another fresh start.  The beginning of the year is a time for resolutions and reflection on the prior twelve months.  It's funny to me how so many people vow to not make resolutions because they don't "believe in them" or they fear breaking them.  However, these same people set new goals for the year ahead and hold to the hope of meeting those goals.  But isn't that the same thing as a resolution?  I dunno.  Maybe it's different to some people.  Either way, I do plan on talking about resolutions for this year, but not in this post.  Today, I'm reflecting on 2011.  Some of you know the saga that unfolded during the first half of this past year, but most of you don't.  Sparing you all of the details, I'll recap the year below.

Divorce.  It's an ever-growing reality in our society.  No one goes into marriage thinking it's not going to work.  Maybe some do, but I think it's safe to estimate that when most people say "I do" they're intentions are forever.  If you know us personally, or have read the story of me and Mr. M, you can imagine that it was quite the shock to everybody when we filed for divorce earlier this year.  Things all started in the summer of 2010.  There was drama.  We sought out family and close friend advice, prayed, and even did marriage counseling.  We made amends in November of 2010 and things got better for awhile.  By February of this past year, things had gone to the toilet once again, and we had both had enough. 

Looking back, I guess our decision to divorce was very much in haste.  We filed in late May.  I dropped the paper work off at the courthouse after work one afternoon.  It was a Thursday.  Fear.  Excitement.  Anxiety.  Pressure.  Relief.  Confusion.  I cried all the way home.  What were we doing?  Was this really the only way?  Could we work this out?  

That following weekend was Memorial Day weekend - me and G headed to my parents' place to get away from it all for a couple of days.  I drove up to the church where I grew up and where my parents still attend, and spent three hours there ... alone.  It was me, the piano, and God.  I played the hell out of those keys.  I cried.  I prayed.  I was numb.  There was a stirring within.  By the time I left, it was raining, and I felt a sense of  relief.  It was like I had spent three hours in a detox session for my soul. 

Mr. M and I were still on speaking terms and had talked quite a bit via text that weekend.  I missed him already, but he didn't know that.  On Tuesday, May 31, everything changed.  I dropped G off at the nanny's that morning, and as soon as I climbed back in the car to head to work, I began to cry.  I was completely broken.  I prayed.  I prayed the most earnest, heart-felt prayer I had prayed in months.  I sat there in my car, blubbering, and I said, "Alright, Lord...I need a clear as day sign that we are supposed to be together forever.  I mean no questions asked...I have to know, and I have to know by the end of the day...."  There were three specific things I prayed to witness before the day was over.  Like clock work, God delivered.  I was stunned, shocked, relieved and terrified to even mention it to Mr. M. 

I prayed for the right words to talk to him.  I texted him and said, I'd been thinking and praying, and needed to talk to him.  That night, I wrote him a letter.  I gave it to him before he went to bed, and then I waited.  It was the longest night of my life. The next morning, I thought for sure he'd have something to say to me, but I got nothing but silence.  Had too much damage already been done?  Was it really over?  What had I done?  What had WE done?  Finally, that afternoon, my office phone rang.  It was him.  I picked it up...

"Hello."  I said. 

"Hey Baby!  Can you hear me okay?"  He hadn't called me baby in weeks. 

"Hi, yeah.  What's up?"

"I just wanted to let you know that everything is going to be okay - we're gonna be okay." 

Click.  He hung up immediately after that, and explained later that he had called just to tell me we'd be fine, and didn't want to draw it out over the phone.

I get choked up just writing those words, because I can't express what a relief it was to hear.  I was ecstatic, comforted, at ease, overjoyed.  I was giddy.  A friend drove me to the courthouse the next day on our lunch break so that I could retract our divorce paperwork.  When I gave the clerk my notarized letter to permanently cease all future action around this case, she looked at me funny.  She said, "Are you sure you don't want to temporarily hold it to avoid paying the court fees again later?"  I smiled, "I'm sure." 

June 1, 2011 was the beginning of a new chapter for me and Mr. M.  We've still had our ups and downs, but we're making it.  I never dreamed that our marriage would ever be what it is now.  We have passion.  We have friendship.  We have love.  We're not perfect.  We argue over petty things.  We cry.  We get on each other's nerves sometimes.  But we have one another to lean on no matter what.  And at the end of the day, there is no one else I'd rather fall asleep next too.  He is my one and only - together forever.   

When I look back at all we endured this year - near divorce, heart break, unemployment, a miscarriage - it was a rough year.  There were lots of trials and hardships.  But I know we'd never be where we are today had we not been through the struggles and emotional hell that took place in these past twelve months.  We're still working on us every day.  Marriage is a lot of work, but it's so worth it.  For every tear, there has been a laugh.  And for every argument, an "I love you".  We're getting to where we need to be, and it's been worth the fight. 

Right after Mr. M and I reconciled, a dear friend of mine said something to me that I will never, ever forget.  She started the conversation by telling me that she knew it wasn't over with us when we filed, and that she had been praying daily for us.  Then she told me this, "Adrianne, sometimes God allows us to go down to the bottom of the pit before He'll bring us up to the palace."  Truth. 

We've seen our marriage pit, and every day is a step closer to the palace.  Here's to a brighter 2012!

Happy New Year!