From the Pit to the Palace.

Another year, another month, another fresh start.  The beginning of the year is a time for resolutions and reflection on the prior twelve months.  It's funny to me how so many people vow to not make resolutions because they don't "believe in them" or they fear breaking them.  However, these same people set new goals for the year ahead and hold to the hope of meeting those goals.  But isn't that the same thing as a resolution?  I dunno.  Maybe it's different to some people.  Either way, I do plan on talking about resolutions for this year, but not in this post.  Today, I'm reflecting on 2011.  Some of you know the saga that unfolded during the first half of this past year, but most of you don't.  Sparing you all of the details, I'll recap the year below.

Divorce.  It's an ever-growing reality in our society.  No one goes into marriage thinking it's not going to work.  Maybe some do, but I think it's safe to estimate that when most people say "I do" they're intentions are forever.  If you know us personally, or have read the story of me and Mr. M, you can imagine that it was quite the shock to everybody when we filed for divorce earlier this year.  Things all started in the summer of 2010.  There was drama.  We sought out family and close friend advice, prayed, and even did marriage counseling.  We made amends in November of 2010 and things got better for awhile.  By February of this past year, things had gone to the toilet once again, and we had both had enough. 

Looking back, I guess our decision to divorce was very much in haste.  We filed in late May.  I dropped the paper work off at the courthouse after work one afternoon.  It was a Thursday.  Fear.  Excitement.  Anxiety.  Pressure.  Relief.  Confusion.  I cried all the way home.  What were we doing?  Was this really the only way?  Could we work this out?  

That following weekend was Memorial Day weekend - me and G headed to my parents' place to get away from it all for a couple of days.  I drove up to the church where I grew up and where my parents still attend, and spent three hours there ... alone.  It was me, the piano, and God.  I played the hell out of those keys.  I cried.  I prayed.  I was numb.  There was a stirring within.  By the time I left, it was raining, and I felt a sense of  relief.  It was like I had spent three hours in a detox session for my soul. 

Mr. M and I were still on speaking terms and had talked quite a bit via text that weekend.  I missed him already, but he didn't know that.  On Tuesday, May 31, everything changed.  I dropped G off at the nanny's that morning, and as soon as I climbed back in the car to head to work, I began to cry.  I was completely broken.  I prayed.  I prayed the most earnest, heart-felt prayer I had prayed in months.  I sat there in my car, blubbering, and I said, "Alright, Lord...I need a clear as day sign that we are supposed to be together forever.  I mean no questions asked...I have to know, and I have to know by the end of the day...."  There were three specific things I prayed to witness before the day was over.  Like clock work, God delivered.  I was stunned, shocked, relieved and terrified to even mention it to Mr. M. 

I prayed for the right words to talk to him.  I texted him and said, I'd been thinking and praying, and needed to talk to him.  That night, I wrote him a letter.  I gave it to him before he went to bed, and then I waited.  It was the longest night of my life. The next morning, I thought for sure he'd have something to say to me, but I got nothing but silence.  Had too much damage already been done?  Was it really over?  What had I done?  What had WE done?  Finally, that afternoon, my office phone rang.  It was him.  I picked it up...

"Hello."  I said. 

"Hey Baby!  Can you hear me okay?"  He hadn't called me baby in weeks. 

"Hi, yeah.  What's up?"

"I just wanted to let you know that everything is going to be okay - we're gonna be okay." 

Click.  He hung up immediately after that, and explained later that he had called just to tell me we'd be fine, and didn't want to draw it out over the phone.

I get choked up just writing those words, because I can't express what a relief it was to hear.  I was ecstatic, comforted, at ease, overjoyed.  I was giddy.  A friend drove me to the courthouse the next day on our lunch break so that I could retract our divorce paperwork.  When I gave the clerk my notarized letter to permanently cease all future action around this case, she looked at me funny.  She said, "Are you sure you don't want to temporarily hold it to avoid paying the court fees again later?"  I smiled, "I'm sure." 

June 1, 2011 was the beginning of a new chapter for me and Mr. M.  We've still had our ups and downs, but we're making it.  I never dreamed that our marriage would ever be what it is now.  We have passion.  We have friendship.  We have love.  We're not perfect.  We argue over petty things.  We cry.  We get on each other's nerves sometimes.  But we have one another to lean on no matter what.  And at the end of the day, there is no one else I'd rather fall asleep next too.  He is my one and only - together forever.   

When I look back at all we endured this year - near divorce, heart break, unemployment, a miscarriage - it was a rough year.  There were lots of trials and hardships.  But I know we'd never be where we are today had we not been through the struggles and emotional hell that took place in these past twelve months.  We're still working on us every day.  Marriage is a lot of work, but it's so worth it.  For every tear, there has been a laugh.  And for every argument, an "I love you".  We're getting to where we need to be, and it's been worth the fight. 

Right after Mr. M and I reconciled, a dear friend of mine said something to me that I will never, ever forget.  She started the conversation by telling me that she knew it wasn't over with us when we filed, and that she had been praying daily for us.  Then she told me this, "Adrianne, sometimes God allows us to go down to the bottom of the pit before He'll bring us up to the palace."  Truth. 

We've seen our marriage pit, and every day is a step closer to the palace.  Here's to a brighter 2012!

Happy New Year!