A Year Later...

A year ago today, the world lost an amazing woman.  I didn't know her really well, but what I did know, I loved.  

A mother.  A wife.  A teacher.  A Believer.  

Mrs. Janet was the person who makes you feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.  The person who makes you feel at home when you're hundreds of miles from home.  The person who completely brightens up a room with their smile. 

I wrote the following two posts last year - one in her honor, one in her memory.  As I sat at my computer last night rereading both of them, it took me back to last summer.  If you've read any of my older posts, you know that Mr. M and I went through a really bad time at the beginning of 2011 and almost parted ways for good.  After we reconciled, I remember my sister telling me that upon learning the news, Mrs. Janet told her, "Ya know, I knew they weren't over...I knew they'd work it out."  That conversation has stuck with me.  As I read the closing two paragraphs of Raindrops, I was reminded that the beginning of the end of her journey on Earth began on August 30, 2011.   It was then, that she was rushed to the hospital following a seizure.  The significance?  Exactly one year later on August 30, 2012, Mr. M and I were also rushing to a hospital, but to welcome the birth of our second little girl.  

After reading all of this last night, my mind went back to the conversation with my sister.  It's amazing how the Lord works ... even in simple, seemingly unimportant ways.  His hand is in everything -- the good; the painful; the heartbreaking.  Mrs. Janet is missed, but I know she is in a better place.  She's found peace. She's found healing.  She's found rest.

 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Raindrops.

Earlier this week I actually took the time to scribble down some blog ideas that came to mind.  I organized them by date...up to the 15th of November - yes, I believe that does make me borderline OCD.  Possibly not borderline...maybe just a full blown case of OCD.  My schedule wasn't etched in stone, but it's a decent compilation of ideas in case my brain decides to be tired one afternoon.  I have my helpful list of topics in front of me:  October 26 - Cooking Club of America.  October 27 - Couponing.  If you read yesterday's post, you know that A Borrowed Blog had absolutely nothing to do with the Cooking Club of America, and if you continue to read, you'll find that today's content isn't remotely close to couponing.  I'm sure you're gravely disappointed.  I'll make it up to you.

Nutmeg and B in Kentucky.

My sister, Nutmeg (it's a nickname, not her real name), lives in Tennessee.  Well...before I go any further, let me first back up and school you in how that came about.  My sister and I went to college together - we were roommates, believe it or not.  We always shared a room growing up, so it just seemed normal to live in the same room once we moved out.  We did the dorm life thing for three years until we moved into our first apartment.  We were both working full time as preschool teachers, and could afford to live somewhere off campus.  So, we found a place within walking distance of school and work, and moved in.  It was a two-bedroom, second floor duplex on Winfree Street.  It was old, and drafty with no dishwasher, and only a window unit air conditioning -- anyone in Florida knows window units and the summer heat just weren't made for each other.  God bless the inventor of fans!  Our apartment had the original hard wood floors, arched door ways, and the windows were white, wooden paned.  Living there, was the first time in our entire lives that we had separate bedrooms.  Adjustment.  But it was a good adjustment. 

She [my sister] started dating this guy - B.  He was in a band.  I didn't like him.  There was something that just rubbed me the wrong way.  Come to find out, me and him have much of the same personality traits, which is probably why we bumped heads.  Things are copacetic now, but it was a long time coming.  He's a great guy, and he's good to my sister.  So, I can't ask for much more than that.  Back to what I was saying...they dated for awhile, but eventually broke up when he decided to move back home to Tennessee.  In the months following, a lot of changes happened.  I got married, our positions at the preschool both came to an end, and our cozy Winfree apartment was soon traded in for a much nicer place that could accommodate the two of us plus my new groom.  It wasn't but two months after M and I got married, that Nutmeg was offered a full time nanny position with a family we had taught in the preschool.  The only catch?  It was in Kentucky.  She soon moved, and life was way different - for me and her.  If you know anything about geography, you'll know that Kentucky and Tennessee are neighboring states...the ex-boyfriend had now morphed into best friend, and Nutmeg was quickly adopted into the family.  This proved to be an even bigger blessing, when the nanny position ended, and she was offered a corporate position in TN just a few months later.

Muff Muff the cat.

B's family was her family - a home away from home.  He lived at home with his parents, two brothers, Muff-Muff the cat, and Patches - a smelly little dog that no one seemed to like.  Strangely, when I visited, I really bonded with the smelly dog...not sure what that's saying about me.  Poor Patches.  Back to the story...B and Nutmeg eventually went from best friends back to an item.  She got along really well with B's entire family, but she had a unique connection with B's mom...almost like kindred spirits if you will.

Over the past two years, I've heard story after story about the mother-daughter relationship they have formed...they have coffee together, go to movies, go shopping, cook together, talk - everything a mother-daughter would do.  I don't think I've ever told Nutmeg, but I've always counted it as a blessing for her to have a bond like that with B's mom.  Before she moved, me and Nutmeg were always together, and not having that in-person, day-to-day, sisterly connection has been hard at times.  But, I've found comfort for her knowing that she's got someone there. 

In May 2010, things changed.  B's mom was diagnosed with a rare brain tumor.  They did her first surgery a month after being diagnosed - most of her symptoms slowly subsided, and life got back to normal.  Then there were seizures, and another surgery followed in December of last year.  She wasn't back to 100%, but through many prayers of loved ones and strangers alike, she was on the road to recovery.  Out of nowhere on August 30 of this year, I get a text from my sister saying that they had just rushed B's mom to the hospital following another seizure.  At first, they thought it was a side effect of the medicine she was on.  They ran tests - the tumor was back.  This time, inoperable.  According to doctors, there's about a month left. 

I've met B's mom once, and felt like I had known her forever.  Absolutely one of the most loving, giving, carefree people I've ever met.  Genuine.  After my sister gave me the news today, I was pretty much left speechless.  Completely in shock.  My heart sank to my stomach.  I don't understand it.  Suddenly, the Cooking Club of America and couponing didn't seem important at all.  Perspective.  I sat in my office - alone - thinking, praying, listening.  A song came on the radio - the words seemed so appropriate...

 'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise?

God is bigger.  God is greater.  God is Healer. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day Fourteen: Perfect Healing.

The cold, Georgia raindrops. 

At the end of October, just a few short days before I started my series on A Month of Thanks, I wrote a post about my sister and her Mom away from home.  If you missed that post, it's best that you go read it now, so that you're caught up.  It's called Raindrops. 

Last Wednesday, Mr. M, G & I, along with my parents piled into a van and drove to Tennessee for Thanksgiving. It's always draining to squeeze six adults, a two year old, a dog and two cats in a small space for five days.  There are moments where I know we were all thinking, "man, I can't wait until this vacation is over".  There had been bickering and arguing, and one pretty nasty blow up between my sister and I.  That confrontation happened on Saturday afternoon and pretty much left us with awkward tension for the rest of the evening.  The tension and semi-silent treatment bled into the next morning. As a family, we all decided to head to the Chattanooga Market and make the best out of the rainy Sunday afternoon.  We did.  My sister and I had made conversation, but things still weren't right.  Then the phone call came.  It was B - my sis's boyfriend.  His mom passed away that morning at about 8:00am.  I could hear the tears in Nutmeg's voice.  Before she even hung up the phone, I knew what had happened.  There we sat...all seven of us...at a stop light. Silence filled the air.  I was stricken with guilt for acting so foolish the night before - arguing over something petty, when there were such bigger, more serious problems in the world - in the world very close to me.

She [B's mom] passed exactly a month after I wrote Raindrops.  Many people prayed for her and for her family.  Everyone wanted her to be healed.  She has received healing now - perfect healing.  I know without a doubt, that she is with our Savior.  No more pain.  No more tears.  No more fear.  I don't understand why she is gone.  She was so full of life, and had so much love to share.  She'll never see her grandchildren.  She'll never see Nutmeg and B get married one day.  Or see B finish college.  I know God has His reasons - reasons we can't understand.  But it seems so unfair in so many ways.

The Tennessee rain continued to fall through Sunday night and into Monday.  It was cold, and there was such a solemn spirit in the air.  After saying our goodbyes to Nutmeg and my little brother, we packed in the car and were on our way.  It was cold and it was raining.  During the ten hour drive from Chattanooga back to Florida, the only thing on my mind was the family behind Raindrops.

We stopped at a McDonald's for coffee...a song was on the radio, and it took everything inside of me to choke back the tears.  I don't even know why.  The song really didn't relate to the situation at hand, but I couldn't wait for it to be over.  Maybe it was the rain, the bitter cold, or just the thought of losing someone you love so close to Christmas.  Maybe it's seeing first hand how short life really is.  Maybe it is the reality that others carry heavy burdens on a daily basis, and most of us are too wrapped up in our miniscule problems to even notice. Maybe it was all of it.  I really don't know.  Her services are tomorrow.  She will be missed, but she is in a much better place.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  ~Revelation 21:4



*This is the song.

Thanksgiving: The Little Things.

Today is Thanksgiving Eve.  It's been a beautiful November day here in Florida ... sunny, mid-70's and breezy.  Both my little ladies are napping, Food Network is on in the background and there's a fat orange cat sitting behind my head on the sofa.  It's been a quiet day, but a busy week. 

Last night, once the babies were in bed, I pulled out my laptop and started thinking about this place ... this place as in my blog.  Since this is my first November post (pathetic, I know) and the day before Thanksgiving, I wanted something good to write about.  Instead of coming here, I ended up where most good internet fanatics do -- Facebook.  I scrolled my home page looking for something interesting to read.  Not much there other than gossip and talk of turkey.  I logged out ... closed the lap top ... and just sat staring at the Christmas tree.  Appropriately, I started thinking about my blessings - the big ones like family, health, faith, good friends, and so on.  And I thought why, at Thanksgiving, do we only talk about our thankfulness for family and friends?  We should be doing that every day.  Yes, I know, most of you are thankful and you probably even thank the Lord for your family at some point on a daily basis, but we seem to always talk about the same thing(s) every year.  I sound heartless ... I'm aware of that ... and I'm not making light of family because I have the best family there is.  But, instead of talking about the BIG things, I've decided I want to talk about the LITTLE things that make day to day life enjoyable.  It's a small list (no pun intended), and I hope it inspires you to think about all the little things you're thankful for this year. 

• Coffee.  Whether I'm up at 6:00 A.M. or my children let me sleep past 9:30, Folgers makes my mornings a little more enjoyable.
• Christmas Lights. 
• Lotion.  Weird, I know.  But have your hands ever felt super dried out and craving moisture, yet you don't have any lotion on you?  Once you finally have some in your grasp, don't you feel about thirty times better?  You know what I'm talking about ... don't act like you don't.  
• Ceiling Fans.  
• Light Bulbs. 
• Chap Stick.  This ties in to what I said about lotion ... but for your lips. 
• Netflix. 
• Toilet Paper. 
• Mascara.  Those of us who are natural blondes with blonde eyelashes are extra thankful for this.
• Chocolate. 
• Forks.  Imagine everyone at your table tomorrow trying to eat cranberry sauce with their fingers.  Did you picture it?  Not pretty, huh?  Aren't you thankful for forks?
• Clorox Wipes.  
• Dishwashers. 
• Tooth Paste. 
• Baby Monitors.  I honestly don't know how my generations' parents survived without these things.  If I didn't have one, I'd never get any sleep at night due to sitting up worrying about my children.  
• And finally, Hot Showers at the end of a tiring day ... so relaxing.

There are dozens and dozens of things that I'm thankful for ... not just at Thanksgiving, but every day of the year.  And I hope that tomorrow, when you're sitting around with Granny and Gramps listening to stories that you've heard forty-two times ... or having to suffer through awkward conversations with your Uncle Larry ... or entertaining your cousins who get on your nerves, that you will remember all the things you are thankful for - BIG and SMALL.

Count your blessings, and have a safe & very happy Thanksgiving!  

Motherhood x2.

On August 30, I gave birth to a beautiful seven pound, two ounce little girl - making me a mother for the second time.  She weighed exactly the same amount as her big sister, had short little chubby legs, and a receding line of dark, straight hair.  With a slightly stronger favor to Mr. M's side of the family, she was still a perfect blend of the two of us.  She's got her momma's long piano-playing fingers and her daddy's temper when she's hungry.  Like her big sister, she's beautiful. 

Miss Em.

Having an almost three year old in the house, I've gotten used to a world full of sippy cups, dress up, and toddler rebellion.  Now, out of what seems like nowhere, my world has been saturated with bottles, early morning feedings, and teeny tiny poopy diapers -- on top of the sippy cups, dress up, and toddler rebellion.  I've forgotten what it's like to have a newborn around.  It's amazing how tired one eight-pound human can make you.  Although, Miss Em is a good eater and a pretty good sleeper, the kid still wears me out.  Between her and Miss G, I can't seem to synchronize a napping schedule, an awake time schedule, a feeding schedule, or any other kind of schedule for that matter -- hence the reason this is the first time I've posted in nearly two months.

I sit here now, in the dark, with just the glow of the TV, my laptop, and my thoughts.  It's quiet, other than the hum of the fan and the occasional mumble of the nearly muted television.  Miss Em is sleeping peacefully in her bassinet, while I can see Miss G on the baby monitor snuggled and snoozing away in her big girl bed.

Having another little human in our midst has been an adjustment.  Trying to balance house hold chores with one child was difficult enough ... but now, it takes double the effort.  I'm lucky to get basic things like dishes, trash, laundry, and dinner taken care of on most days.  I've also learned that things like brushing your teeth, washing your face, and applying deodorant quickly become luxuries rather than a part of daily personal hygiene.  But, you deal with it ... even if your deodorant doesn't go on until 2:00pm and your face doesn't get washed at all that day.

My little ladies.

I was also quickly made aware of the fact that there is no such thing as being in a rush when you have two children.  You can try to rush all you want, but chances are it will do you little to no good.  Between making sure everyone is fed, fussing over what the two-year-old will wear, packing a diaper bag, and dressing ourselves, it takes me and Mr. M a full two hours to get completely ready to go anywhere.  Thankfully, we've been no where that had a set appointment time very often other than church, and miraculously, we've made it there on time every Sunday.

Becoming a mommy this time was different than the first time around for sure.  The new mommy fears aren't there like they are with your first child.  You recognize what cry means what much sooner.  Breast feeding is easier.  You can change a diaper in your sleep if need be.  And you learn to take multitasking to an entirely different level ... I'm talking a baby in your arms, a toddler at your feet, the phone being held by your shoulder, and dinner being cooked -- all of this done with poise and grace, of course.  Ha! 

It's been a crazy eight weeks, but we're all settling in to our new life together quite nicely.  Sometimes I still can't believe I have one child, let alone two.  It feels surreal on some days.  Other days it just feels tiring.  But without a doubt, every day with my little ladies is a day I wouldn't trade for the world. 

Tuesday Tune: Five Days Old

Five Days Old

by The Laurie Berkner Band

Tuesday Tune: Losing

These words speak for themselves.  Take a minute -- listen, read, absorb.

"Losing"

Tenth Avenue North

I can't believe what she said

I can't believe what he did

Oh, don't they know it's wrong

Don't they know it's wrong.

Well maybe there's something I missed

But how could they treat me like this

It's wearing out my heart

The way they disregard

This is love or this is hate

We all have a choice to make.

Oh, Father won't You forgive them

They don't know what they've been doin'

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live

But still I wrestle with this

To lose the pain that's mine

Seventy times seven times

Cause Lord it doesn't feel right

For me to turn a blind eye

Though I guess it's not that much

When I think of what You've done.

This is love or this is hate.

We gotta a choice to make

Oh Father, won't You forgive them

They don't know what they've been doin'

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

Why do we think that our hate's gonna break a hard heart?

We're rippin' arms over wars that don't need to be fought

Cause pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground

We build our bridges up but it's just to burn them down

We think our pain is own apologies and get them to stop

Well truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not

Cause freedom come when we surrender to the sound

Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down.

Oh Father, won't you forgive them

They don't know what they've been doin'

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

I feel like I've been losin'

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

April Showers Bring May Flowers ... and July Blog Posts.

My "May" flowers. 

Well, that's how the saying goes anyway ... sort of.  At least the April and May portion of it - the July was my own twist, although I started writing this in May.  Then I was determined to finish it in June.  And before I knew it ... it was July.  Oy.   Anyway, I know you've all heard the phrase "April showers bring May flowers" -- it's a pretty literal statement in that if it rains a lot in April, by the month of May the Earth should be in full bloom.  Right?  It does make sense, and in Florida we usually get our share of Spring showers followed by early Summer flowers.  But this past April gave me a new perspective on this classic rhyme.

April started like any other month, but I knew from the get go it was going to be busy.  Every weekend was booked.  There was Easter the first weekend, followed by Mr. M being on call the next weekend.  Then came the dreaded glucose tolerance test that every pregnant woman must endure - fasting sucks, especially at 7:00a.m. on a Saturday.  The following weekend was to be a wedding of a childhood friend, and we would end the month by taking a mini-vacation to The Florida Aquarium -- just Mr. M, Miss G, and yours truly.

My, how life changes things.

It was a Tuesday, and it had just been one of those days.  A day that just sucked.  It was April 17 to be exact ... not sure why I remember the date, I just do.  We had just put G down for the night and I was about to burn the last cell of my energy on showering before I completely collapsed.  But I heard Mr. M on the phone in the other room, so I waited to see who he was talking too.  It was his on-call week at work -- now that the weather has warmed up, his on call weeks are always busy with A/C's not working, or they're low on freon, something.  So, I figured if he had to leave for a call, I'd wait until he was gone before I showered, so I'd at least know what was going on.

He entered the bedroom.

"Do you have to go?" I asked.

"What?  No, that was your mom," he responded.

"Oh.  My mom?  Why'd she call you?"

With a look of seriousness he said, "Now just know that everything is alright, but..."  You almost always know when the word but proceeds the phrase 'everything is alright', that everything most likely isn't alright.  He continued, "...they took your Dad to the hospital with chest pains.  They're at the VA."

I'm not sure where the conversation went after that.  It's a blur.  I felt the hot tears hit my eyes, my cheeks, then the bedspread.  I reached for my phone to send out a text to all of my praying friends and family.  I don't even remember what I said.  I could barely see the keys through my tears, but I hit send and I know prayers went up immediately.

I think I sobbed for a good hour ... I just couldn't control it.  When I finally calmed down, I texted Nutmeg (my sister) to see if she had talked to Mom.  "About what?" was her response.  I knew by that response that my mom hadn't spoken to her.  I told Mr. M he had to call her, because I couldn't.  I'd be a wreck on the phone.  He did, and she had about the same response that I did.  Poor Mr. M -- the bearer of not-so-good news that night.

Fast forward.

After running tests, they found that Dad had blockage in three valves.  It wasn't major blockage and he hadn't suffered a heart attack, which was great news; but when it comes to your heart, blockage is blockage.  Eight days later, Dad had triple bypass surgery.

Bypass surgery seems to be a common procedure these days.  I know dozens of people who have had it and gone on to live long, healthy lives.  I knew from the time we got the news that my Dad would come through okay, but it's still different when it's your Dad and not Mr. Smith from church or your Great Aunt Lucille.  It's your Dad ... your Dad.  The very first man you ever fell in love with.  The one who made scraped knees and busted elbows all better with just a hug and kiss.  The one who gave you away at your wedding.  The one, who from the time you're a little kid, you expect to live forever.  Your Dad.  He was facing the reality of having open heart surgery and a long recovery, while I was dealing with the reality that he isn't as young as he used to be.  That he is mortal.  That he's not untouchable from the scars of sickness and disease.   

That ... is a really hard pill to swallow. 

Nutmeg & Dad.

The morning of, my sister and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m.  It was early.  We hung out with Dad until they took him back to pre-op -- where we were forbidden to enter.  After a short prayer, hugs & kisses, and everyone doing their best to hold it together, they took Dad back.  What was supposed to be about a four hour surgery, seemingly stretched into a lengthy nine hour operation.  We saw so many people come and go in the waiting room that day.  Family groups, lonely spouses, pastors, friends and loved ones.  The list goes on.  By the time Dad was out of surgery, we had spent over fifteen hours at the hospital, and I think all of us had grown to hate waiting rooms. 

Dad's surgery was on April 25.  Exactly a month later, after ample physical therapy, a week in rehab, a shock treatment, countless sleepless nights in uncomfortable hospital beds, and lots of prayer, Dad was discharged and homeward bound.  Praise God.  It was Memorial Day weekend.  We celebrated with a picnic in the country -- southern fried chicken, potato salad, baked beans and coleslaw. 

He's been home for almost two months now.  I see him about once a week -- he's getting back to normal slowly but surely.  God has been good to him ... to our family.  One day at a time, one prayer at a time.  Amen.

Tuesday Tune: He Said.

This is one of those songs that I heard over and over and over again ... it was just a melody.  I never paid attention to the words until one morning.  I was driving to work, and I heard, "...and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break..."  Whoa.  When you're having a morning where you're feeling completely overwhelmed (which tends to be the story of my life lately), hearing those words is like getting a big hug from a loved one.  It's comforting.  It's warmth.  It's peace of mind.  Ever since that morning, the message behind today's tune has been one that consistently rings in my ears. 

Happy Tuesday!

"He Said"

by Group 1 Crew

So your life feels like it don't make sense,

And you think to yourself 'I'm a good person'.

So why do things keep happening?

Why you gotta deal with them?

You may be knocked down now,

But don't forget what He said, He said.

I won't give you more, more then you can take

And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break

And no, I'll never ever let you go.

Don't you forget what He said.

Who you are ain't what you're going through

So don't let it get the best of you.

'Cause God knows everything you need,

So you ain't gotta worry.

You may be knocked down now,

But just believe what He said, He said.

I won't give you more, more then you can take,

And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break

And no, I'll never ever let you go.

Don't you forget what He said.

Don't fear when you go through the fire,

Hand on when it's down to the wire;

Stand tall, and remember what He said.

I won't give you more, more then you can take

And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break...

I won't give you more, more then you can take

And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break

And no, I'll never ever let you go.

Don't you forget what He said.